"One Day You Will..."

So last night we went out for a friend’s 21st birthday and had a great time! I wasn’t going to drink because I had an early test this morning, but at last call my friends convinced me to take a shot so I did. It was really good, I sort of miss shots sometimes. I immediately became pretty drunk though and belatedly realized all I had to eat were two cookies and then I had a cola at work… more bad choices on my part, I’ve got to eat healthier which is what inspired me to wake up this morning and take a shower to get me more awake and then eat some oatmeal…now you’re reading this thinking “why the heck should I care what she is eating?” but it’s just because I really needed the energy and brain focus food for my test. I can’t afford to spend money right now and I really need to eat the food in my apartment so luckily I have some. I also have pasta which means I need to eat that soon too… it just takes longer to make. My mom sent up red sauce but I get the feeling that one of my apt-mates already used it so I may be eating plain pasta. While I was saving my parents money by not getting a meal plan this year, I really had a problem budgeting my money. I’m really regretting that decision at this point because I spent so much on money and any time I needed food I had to drive to the store which only made me spend more money instead of just having like $300 in flex money. I’m also really disappointed in myself for spending my money so much, I usually am so stingy but I’ve spent tons in the grocery store and the dollar store and, of course, Michael’s. One thing that bothers me about money though is that I’m not really into caring like if people borrow money because money is not important to me, yeah I need it to live, but I hate having to depend on it. What bothers me is this: I am usually quick to pay people back because I know that we are all college students who have very little money. I have a friend who always makes me feel extremely bad about borrowing money from her because she is “so poor” and I always pay her back as soon as I can because she will probably get angry at me if I didn’t. She, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to find it quite as necessary to pay me back though. She’s owed me money for a while now and I stopped asking for it because she tends to just tell me how poor she is. And another thing that bothers me is when people forget to pay me back and then forget they owe me money altogether. I feel bad asking about it, but I have a really good memory and I have a friend who I met at the movies back after freshmen year. He was running a little late and so I bought his ticket for him. He never paid me back and legit doesn’t even remember the experience, which just makes me feel like a jerk if I bring it up so I don’t. Maybe lending money to people is a bad idea, but I will probably still do it. I don’t like for my friends to have to miss out on anything because they don’t have money and so I end up chipping in. But anyway, my money problems are not a huge deal really, I just need to deposit some checks, which I will probably do tomorrow, and work as much as possible before I graduate. Then after that I just need to get a job and not really spend money at all this summer. And hopefully get into graduate school. While school will be an extra expense, at least I could defer my loans. But I’m starting to think I subconsciously don’t want to go to grad school right away. I’ve been putting off applying for so long now; I may as well start applying for programs that start in the spring or something… I really don’t know what I am going to be doing. On top of that, I’d really love to work for a non-profit organization and work at changing the world. I think I would really enjoy working directly with people and helping others and doing some sort of service, but I am not sure how my family will feel about that. I don’t know, I really thought I’d like to work in student affairs, especially with my internships, but I think I have figured out what the “peacemakers experience” is when people take the class and change their plans so they can change the world. Grad school is starting to look less important, and changing the world is looking so much more exciting. One thing I need to be careful of there though is burn out and feeling like I’m not making as big a difference as I want to, but that is why I will do reflections and use my support system often. Well, nothing is final, obviously, because for all I know, I could join a convent… Okay so I wasn’t really going to get into this right now because I wasn’t even going to talk about the future, but living in a convent: you have responsibilities, but not necessarily monetary duties, you get to effect change in the world (see Mother Teresa…), you get to spread the news of peace, you could teach, you could do spiritual guidance/counseling, you could work in ministry, you could do retreats, meditations, you live in a community…there are so many positives to being a nun, the only negative thing is that I don’t get to get married or have children and that makes my heart sink a lot. The other thing is that it’s not a choice, it’s a calling and I have been trying to discern it for years and years now. It’s not easy. Maybe I should have done something like JVC instead… but there is no looking back now. I will find my way, God will make sure of that.

On a similar note, the boy problems are still out there. Taking things slow is difficult, but it really helps to be openly communicating about it. Problem is me though; I get so tempted to be close to someone I just lose. I really need to watch myself and keep myself in check. It’s going well but I have been crossing some cuddle boundaries… I really need to chill out and just hang out without all the physical closeness. It’s so difficult for me, especially since we both know that we like each other… Things always seem much clearer afterwards… Luckily finals week should slow things down and if it doesn’t, I have the feeling senior week definitely will, especially with the second factor. Oy. My life is complicated and confusing…but the one thing that will change everything is distance. I’m going back to New Jersey at least for the summer and that will either put a strain on things or help by creating space to cool things off. I just don’t want it to be like in my prior long-distance relationship where things cooled off to the point of not working at all. And while yes, the NJ-Scranton commute isn’t that bad, it’s still a ride. I learned that from my last ex. Biggest thing in long distance = both parties have to be willing to make it work and there needs to be a strong basis in friendship because being apart is going to be like being friends. We need to be able to talk and that needs to be a main part of the relationship because we won’t be seeing each other every day like we have been. And I have already seen the way being away from someone for only a small length of time makes me start to search for something better… My only hope is that I can see the good and bad and continue to believe that God will make sure I am on the right track…


“Every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love,
You’ll find peace,
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But One Day You Will…”
-Lady Antebellum

Love&Peace&The You You're Meant To Be :-)