I graduated!!

As promised, my list of things I've accomplished during my college career!

1. Attend service retreat
2. Get pushed in the lake
3. La Festa
4. Walk for a cause
5. Eat a “Fat Bitch” from the Meaner Weiner
6. Gone to a house party
7. Kiss in a stairwell
8. First drink
9. Climbed the trains
10. Attend retreats
11. Dress up for Halloween
12. Drank in a dorm room
13. Took shots in Disney
14. Play strip poker
15. Go sleigh riding on a tray from the cafeteria
16. Go see the gorge/step in it
17. Get thrown in the lake
18. Get a cartilage piercing
19. Dance in the cage at Tinks
20. Learn to play Magic the Gathering
21. First legal drink and gambling in a casino
22. Jump in the cold lake in the middle of the night
23. Attend a school dance
24. Get my ears pierced
25. Do a scavenger hunt around campus
26. Go on an epic adventure to see my favorite band
27. Go skinny dipping in the lake
28. Attend a Presidential Election Rally on campus
29. Play World of Warcraft
30. Road Trip to another friend’s college
31. Pump gas all by myself
32. Get an internship
33. Go to DC
34. First legal drink in this country
35. Attend a bar crawl
36. Sing karaoke
37. Help plan and work at a walk for a cause
38. Go to a conference in Chicago
39. Lead a retreat
40. Step on the frozen lake
41. Go to a conference in DC
42. Drink on a snow day
43. Make an epic snow-woman on campus
44. Drank on Parade Day
45. Show up to class drunk/Drink during class
46. Attend a keg race
47. Pee with a friend
48. Jump in the fountain
49. Ride a motorcycle
50. Jump out of a plane
51. Take a flaming shot
52. Learn the dance to Thriller
53. Get hot and sweaty on the third floor of the lake house
54. Graduate!!!

Peace&Love&Graduation!!

Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

The lake house was awesome, Thriller is coming together, I have little time to type before I pass out from exhaustion but I promise I will get through the events of this week eventually. Possibly on Friday.

Peace&Love&THRILLER!

All she wants to do is dance!

...and make romance.

Ahh dancing...thriller...all I can say for now...

Peace&Love&Dance!

It is really still Sunday

Okay so I slipped up and forgot to post before midnight so this is my Sunday post. More later.

Peace&Love&Lateness

Life To Do List

As of March 23rd, 2009 this is my "Life To Do List" or "Bucket List". I will hopefully accomplish some before I die, lol. This may have changed since but the basic gist of it is still there so I felt the need to put it up given my recent accomplishments!

Life To Do List:

1. fall in love

2. get married and have a family

3. climb a mountain

4. sky diving [CHECK]

5. water skiing

6. snorkeling

7. bungee jumping

8. feel like I’m flying

9. tattoo

10. swim in the Pacific Ocean

11. sing in an 80’s hair metal band

12. get two more cartilage piercings (left ear)

13. see all of the great lakes

14. visit every US state

15. go on a cruise

16. gorge jumping

17. kiss in the pouring rain [CHECK]

18. climb a big tree

19. write a book – and actually finish it for a change

20. hike the Grand Canyon

21. have a picnic on the beach while watching the sunset (this means it has to be on the west coast)

22. meet Kate Pierson

23. go up the Eiffel Tower

24. go up the Statue of Liberty

25. conquer a fear

Peace&Love&Rain

PS it rained.

And I said "Someday I hope you get the chance to Live Like You Were Dying!"

Yes, you have heard correctly. "I went SKKKYYYYYDIVING!" It was so freaking awesome that I just cannot wait to go again! Everyone who said they wanted to go though pretty much backed out because of lack of money. Which sucks because it's cheaper there than anywhere else. The experience was amazing and everyone was so friendly! It helped that I went with my friend who's sister and brother-in-law work there, but I was not even nervous at all. The most nerve racking part was putting my mom's name down on my emergency contacts and worrying about telling her... and then of course I had to worry about telling her about how I rode on a motorcycle as well... she was not too happy today. Now I know she is going to worry about me but I just wanted to come clean. I guess I shouldn't have just yelled it at her and my dad as they were leaving though. I think they expect more from me and are a little angry because now they have to worry about me on top of worrying about my sister... oh well. I'm really not that daring on a regular basis, haha.

So the Performance Music Bar Crawl was last night and it was awesome! We got back late from the skydiving because there was a little trouble with the planes beforehand (I know, I'm actually pretty crazy for going to begin with and not even worry) but we met up with everyone at the second bar and it was great! At the third bar I went to we all got flaming shots which was also pretty badass... I was pretty proud of myself and my day yesterday. I got home late, on the way home it turned 1:15 and my friend and I started singing Lady Antebellum at each other and some dude walking by looked at the time and was like "nice!" Haha it was totally awesome. In case anyone is unfamiliar with the song... "It's a quarter after 1, I'm a little drunk and I neeeeeed you now!" So it was pretty perfect. Then we got back to my apt, ordered pizza, and started watching WALL-E. Basically everyone started falling asleep so it didn't last long. I think last night I was too rebellious for my own good and tripped up on my plan but I think I can let it slip if it doesn't happen again. I think we were both getting a little too aware of how quickly this is coming to an end, me being back in Jersey so soon. Hopefully we can figure out a way to continue being close without being in close proximity to each other because I really want that. Well, we shall see!

This morning I FINALLY completed my last paper as an undergraduate student. I feel sort of accomplished, sort of sad, and sort of scared that it wasn't my best. I am just praying that I pass all my classes at this point though and hoping that I will indeed graduate. I am still extremely nervous about Italian because I hated and struggled through that class. My choices in courses this semester was a bit silly but at least it is over now.

My parents came up to pick up a bunch of my things and now my room looks sort of empty, sort of a mess. It's kind of weird to have a messy empty room but whatever. I think I'll try to pack everything else up in a bit before going out to celebrate my friend's birthday. I got invited to so many things tonight that I don't know what I am doing but hopefully I'll figure it out.

I found my ring while I was packing/cleaning. I am so excited about it because it's been missing for a month and I thought I lost it at the mall. Also I got a dress for graduation. My mom and sister picked it out and I tried it on. It looks great and it's white which is what I wanted so I'm happy. I also got new shoes to go with it. And for my birthday my aunt bought me a Coach wristlet that goes pretty well also. I am so excited to wear the outfit, but not for what it means. Still don't want to leave. Well, what can I do? Nothing really. Anyways, I should go. I will be making yesterday and the other day that I missed up to you avid readers by doing a double post today.

Peace&Love&Freedom!

Finals

Inhale...Exhale...Finals week is a b*tch. I FINALLY finished my Dorothy Day paper (being edited by a very dear friend of mine as we speak...well, write...) and I am so exhausted. I didn't have the opportunity to post yesterday so don't be surprised if there are two posts one day soon... who knows? haha. So basically, Dorothy Day makes me want to change the world, who's with me??? I am so ready to go live in poverty but only if I don't have to get rid of anything LOL. It is so difficult to live in simplicity and I think that the only way I can achieve this is by doing a little at a time. I will fill you in on my steps along the way, but I think the very first thing I need to do is get rid of anything and everything I do not need. This is something I can begin while I am packing to go home in the next few days. Getting rid of things from freshmen year that really are not worth saving, all my old work and papers and notes... they are not needed at all and as much as I think I will refer to them later, I know there is no way I will. I sort of want to burn them but I think that may be a little drastic. And not really possible since I don't have a fire. But I will figure out a way to get rid of them and hopefully fast because they need to go before I leave school because if they come home with me, I may never throw them out. So here's my decision: Every day I need to throw something out that I don't need. I will start today with some of the crap on my floor from some of my classes this semester. Hopefully everything will go well. So anyway, I am going to try and enjoy the day a little bit before I get started writing my other paper.

Peace&Love&Simplicity!

"This Kiss, This Kiss…"

I know what you’re thinking – “she kissed him? What happened to being friends?” – and I want to begin by clarifying that there was indeed no kiss. I think the non-kiss though can say a lot. I may be a little loopy from finals week overload but I just have to write for the blog a little. The reason I decided to write this post is because as anyone who actually reads my blog knows (and that would be maybe one person), I have been pretty strict on myself about becoming friends with a boy before I get into any sort of relationship with him in order to stay away from the physical aspects that draw us in and begin to take over the entire relationship. I mean, how many times have we been in relationships where we just become addicted to being physically close to a person and lose the emotional closeness that we had or maybe even never had? I don’t even know yet if I feel like I can connect to him on an emotional level because we don’t know enough about each other yet. One good thing is that we are trying to get out and do stuff more, whether it be with other people or just to get away from my room where things can be tempting. I am so glad we went out with some friends last night and got to the mall today because it really let us be able to get to know each other away from the “I just want to hug you right now” lol. But back to where I was going with this post… Well we were sort of cuddling last night and we were being really close when he said something that made me think. He said “That would be a not friends-like thing to do…” (or something like that). He was referring to us kissing and I all of a sudden was like “He’s right…” I began to think about how a kiss can change everything. It controls your relationship, it affects everything you do, it even escalates quickly and pushes you farther and farther if you are not ready for it. The thing with a kiss is this: if it comes too early, it is really just a sign of boredom with the relationship. Because you can have nothing in common with someone and still be able to spend hours together kissing and stuff… and what the heck kind of relationship is that? Everything in a relationship evolves around closeness. The more emotionally close you are, the less physically close you can be. I think this is why we needed to get out more also, because we were in grave danger of spending too much time in the “me and him box”, which is to say we don’t actually see the person for real, only in one setting and only with us being close physically and that doesn’t help much at all.

Anyway, I finally had that talk about my confusion, well one of the talks anyway. It was really difficult for me because I think we are still (even though we haven’t done anything) getting too close too quickly and I am developing feelings before getting to know him. I ****know that in the other circumstance things went way too quickly and it is going to end up exactly like the rest of my friendships that were too close if I don’t have the conversation with him. I’m also still not sure I can make a choice based on my knowledge (or should I say ****lack of knowledge) of the two so far. Hopefully my choices in taking things slow will help shed some light on it all and help me to be friends with everyone as I figure my way in this life.

We went to the mall today and I bought a really cool belt and new shoes to replace my extremely broken Vans. I still want new Vans, but the ones I bought were cheap and I couldn’t find Vans anywhere… the belt is amazing though and I needed one bc my pants are all too big on me all of a sudden.

PS my apt-mate just bought me Doritos. I love her.

PPS it rained today :-) I stepped in a puddle in my new shoes :-(

Peace&Love&Rain

"One Day You Will..."

So last night we went out for a friend’s 21st birthday and had a great time! I wasn’t going to drink because I had an early test this morning, but at last call my friends convinced me to take a shot so I did. It was really good, I sort of miss shots sometimes. I immediately became pretty drunk though and belatedly realized all I had to eat were two cookies and then I had a cola at work… more bad choices on my part, I’ve got to eat healthier which is what inspired me to wake up this morning and take a shower to get me more awake and then eat some oatmeal…now you’re reading this thinking “why the heck should I care what she is eating?” but it’s just because I really needed the energy and brain focus food for my test. I can’t afford to spend money right now and I really need to eat the food in my apartment so luckily I have some. I also have pasta which means I need to eat that soon too… it just takes longer to make. My mom sent up red sauce but I get the feeling that one of my apt-mates already used it so I may be eating plain pasta. While I was saving my parents money by not getting a meal plan this year, I really had a problem budgeting my money. I’m really regretting that decision at this point because I spent so much on money and any time I needed food I had to drive to the store which only made me spend more money instead of just having like $300 in flex money. I’m also really disappointed in myself for spending my money so much, I usually am so stingy but I’ve spent tons in the grocery store and the dollar store and, of course, Michael’s. One thing that bothers me about money though is that I’m not really into caring like if people borrow money because money is not important to me, yeah I need it to live, but I hate having to depend on it. What bothers me is this: I am usually quick to pay people back because I know that we are all college students who have very little money. I have a friend who always makes me feel extremely bad about borrowing money from her because she is “so poor” and I always pay her back as soon as I can because she will probably get angry at me if I didn’t. She, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to find it quite as necessary to pay me back though. She’s owed me money for a while now and I stopped asking for it because she tends to just tell me how poor she is. And another thing that bothers me is when people forget to pay me back and then forget they owe me money altogether. I feel bad asking about it, but I have a really good memory and I have a friend who I met at the movies back after freshmen year. He was running a little late and so I bought his ticket for him. He never paid me back and legit doesn’t even remember the experience, which just makes me feel like a jerk if I bring it up so I don’t. Maybe lending money to people is a bad idea, but I will probably still do it. I don’t like for my friends to have to miss out on anything because they don’t have money and so I end up chipping in. But anyway, my money problems are not a huge deal really, I just need to deposit some checks, which I will probably do tomorrow, and work as much as possible before I graduate. Then after that I just need to get a job and not really spend money at all this summer. And hopefully get into graduate school. While school will be an extra expense, at least I could defer my loans. But I’m starting to think I subconsciously don’t want to go to grad school right away. I’ve been putting off applying for so long now; I may as well start applying for programs that start in the spring or something… I really don’t know what I am going to be doing. On top of that, I’d really love to work for a non-profit organization and work at changing the world. I think I would really enjoy working directly with people and helping others and doing some sort of service, but I am not sure how my family will feel about that. I don’t know, I really thought I’d like to work in student affairs, especially with my internships, but I think I have figured out what the “peacemakers experience” is when people take the class and change their plans so they can change the world. Grad school is starting to look less important, and changing the world is looking so much more exciting. One thing I need to be careful of there though is burn out and feeling like I’m not making as big a difference as I want to, but that is why I will do reflections and use my support system often. Well, nothing is final, obviously, because for all I know, I could join a convent… Okay so I wasn’t really going to get into this right now because I wasn’t even going to talk about the future, but living in a convent: you have responsibilities, but not necessarily monetary duties, you get to effect change in the world (see Mother Teresa…), you get to spread the news of peace, you could teach, you could do spiritual guidance/counseling, you could work in ministry, you could do retreats, meditations, you live in a community…there are so many positives to being a nun, the only negative thing is that I don’t get to get married or have children and that makes my heart sink a lot. The other thing is that it’s not a choice, it’s a calling and I have been trying to discern it for years and years now. It’s not easy. Maybe I should have done something like JVC instead… but there is no looking back now. I will find my way, God will make sure of that.

On a similar note, the boy problems are still out there. Taking things slow is difficult, but it really helps to be openly communicating about it. Problem is me though; I get so tempted to be close to someone I just lose. I really need to watch myself and keep myself in check. It’s going well but I have been crossing some cuddle boundaries… I really need to chill out and just hang out without all the physical closeness. It’s so difficult for me, especially since we both know that we like each other… Things always seem much clearer afterwards… Luckily finals week should slow things down and if it doesn’t, I have the feeling senior week definitely will, especially with the second factor. Oy. My life is complicated and confusing…but the one thing that will change everything is distance. I’m going back to New Jersey at least for the summer and that will either put a strain on things or help by creating space to cool things off. I just don’t want it to be like in my prior long-distance relationship where things cooled off to the point of not working at all. And while yes, the NJ-Scranton commute isn’t that bad, it’s still a ride. I learned that from my last ex. Biggest thing in long distance = both parties have to be willing to make it work and there needs to be a strong basis in friendship because being apart is going to be like being friends. We need to be able to talk and that needs to be a main part of the relationship because we won’t be seeing each other every day like we have been. And I have already seen the way being away from someone for only a small length of time makes me start to search for something better… My only hope is that I can see the good and bad and continue to believe that God will make sure I am on the right track…


“Every heartache makes you stronger
But it won’t be much longer
You’ll find love,
You’ll find peace,
And the you you’re meant to be
I know right now that’s not the way you feel
But One Day You Will…”
-Lady Antebellum

Love&Peace&The You You're Meant To Be :-)

She said "what?" and I told her that I didn't know...

Two finals down, three finals and two papers to go!

Yesterday I spent most of the day sleeping and writing my response for my second final. Actually I technically spent the whole day doing that... I was distracted a few times by my apartment-mates, but that was cool because I miss them now that we all have so much work to do. I finished that one at about 12:30 AM I want to say, so really I did spend all day on it... After that we finally watched Aladdin. (SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIEND WHO LEARNED THE WORDS TO "I Can Show You The World" SO WE COULD SING IT TOGETHER!) That has got to be the best study break ever. I wish I had more Disney movies, I only have one on DVD and it's Cinderella. They hardly ever release the good ones either so I'll have to be on the lookout for Robin Hood or something... The other night we watched The Rescuers Down Under and I am really feeling the Disney kick so there will need to be more of that.

Apart from that, I'm having a really good time taking my life slowly and getting to know people for real. It makes me feel so in control to know that there is no threat of anything happening that I'll regret. It's been really difficult the more I get to know people but I'm really trying and hopefully good will come from it. Last night there was a lot of honesty going on and it made me feel so much better and relieved. I just sometimes get scared that boys tell me what they think I want to hear and not how they really feel, but I think that's just me not being able to trust as much as I once did. I used to think everyone was good and honest to me; now I see the good in people but I know that not everyone is 100% honest. Not that I don't expect anyone to lie to me, but I hope they know they can tell me the truth. The truth makes everything real and when faced with a "my way or the highway" situation, it would be natural for people to lie if they don't think my way is the right way... That's the best I can do in this description because I'm really tired and brain fried from finals already, haha. This is only my experience and stuff so maybe you have a different situation and want to tell me differently? I'm open to anything at this point. My struggle to be a better person is going pretty well considering how I feel about the people in my life and I hope that it can continue. I'm still having trouble with wanting to have sleepovers and not knowing if this is effecting me negatively, but I think I put my finger on it last night: the danger in someone sleeping over is that you spend so much time with each other but not in getting to know each other, just with this closeness that comes from physically being close and not actually in knowing the other. This is something I'm working on and I think it's probably not a good idea to try and solve it by staying up all night talking because then I'm so tired I can't study for finals. I'm really glad I'm getting to know him though and finding his own identity separate from our friend's. It makes me feel better about everything. He has the good qualities that they share and some different also...clearly, because everyone is different...oh mann I am really tired haha. So for now, things are going well. I've still got to have a few conversations with people that I just haven't had the chance to have, but everything will get done. I was in church this morning and just really gave it up to God, so He can take care of that. Everything will work out the way He sees it working out.

Also in mass today, the homily started out talking about ROYGBIV and seeing light which I thought was ironic because he also spoke about finals and I felt like I could be studying for my Light & Photography final. Well, I should be borrowing a psych book soon to begin studying for my final so I should wrap this up.

Last funny thing that happened yesterday: We were listening to the VH and a song came on and he commented on how he liked a line even though it was repetitive and then I showed him my fb page in which that exact line was my status. It was pretty funny :-)

Stay calm during finals week and things will go well!! I'm working on crossing things off my list. I realized that I actually have two lists because I found one that I wrote over a year ago of a "Bucket List" and then there's the one I am making of stuff to do before graduating...or maybe I'll just post the list as things that I've done in the past 4 years that was "so college"... that way it isn't as much about crossing things off as it is about my college career. I'll post it the day of Commencement because I will probably be so busy that day that I wont have any other post anyway... okay well, time to go. No rain today, but I got to wear a skirt...now I'm listening to some great music haha

Peace&Love&PunkRock!

I'm not leaving now, honey--not a chance!

We’ve only been hanging out for a week and yet I feel so close to him. The problem is that I don’t want it to be a false sense of closeness like I know I’ve experienced before. Also something that complicates things is other people telling us we “look cute together”. This is perhaps one of the worst things that could have happened because now not only have we been hanging out a lot, but now we have this image of the two of us, even if we didn’t think about it really.

Telling someone they look cute together is dangerous, really. You see, the minute you say that there are mixed feelings and everything could change. The best thing you could do is ignore it and pretend like it didn’t happen because if you over analyze any of it you will begin to get that confused with your real feelings.

So, in case you have been following, I have crossed another thing off of my list. I will get the list up ASAP. The list is basically the things I want to do before I graduate, or some of them may run into the summer, but it’s all the things I’ve wanted to do or things that would only happen in college… I’m still developing my list, but it has been sort of formulating in my mind since I was a freshmen. The item that I crossed off of my list last night was the one thing that actually got my list started freshmen year: jumping in the fountain. We were walking from our keg race to the bar and decided to take the commons. As we were walking down the commons the fountain was on and one of us said “Let’s jump in the fountain!” (Okay, it might have been me, but I can’t really recall). We each had a good amount of beer in us and all thought it would be a great idea, so we got in. I was wearing socks and sneakers and long pants so I had to take off the socks and sneakers and deal with having soaking wet pants. It seriously didn’t bother me at all though which is how I know I was pretty bad. Afterwards I walked barefoot through campus and put my socks and sneakers back on when my feet were mostly dry. My pants stayed wet though and on second glance, that might have been why I felt so cold towards the end of the night. It was a good thing it was so warm out though because we wouldn’t have been able to handle it if it were cold. One of my friends was pretty drunk though and he literally jumped into the fountain and slipped and hit his head. We were sort of worried about him but he ended up okay.

Another thing that will be crossed off of my “It Only Happens in College” list is going to the bathroom with someone else. I know, it seems weird that I’ve gone so long without sharing a bathroom with one of my friends, but I don’t exactly go to house parties and I hardly ever have friends who are comfortable enough with each other to actually do that. I’ve never even done that with my sister. This is one of those things that surprised me that it happened. It doesn’t help though that I couldn’t pee because there was someone else in the room…ironic, huh? lol. On top of the fact that we were peeing together, my friend happened to be a boy, but he’s not interested in girls so that makes it okay… haha at least that’s the way he put it when he said “I wont look, because I’m not interested…” I’m still shocked that this even happened because normal me would never have done such a thing. It just goes to show the bad decisions that happen while intoxicated.

Quote of the night: "You're such a wh*re" "So I'm a wh*re because I peed with a gay guy and danced with a guy who's going to be a priest...right..." <--Now that I think about it, they were two of the first friends I made here.

In other news, my computer keeps telling my to get a new battery. I just got a new one. I am not pleased.

Well, not much left to say except that I hope I get a lot of work done today. It's pretty nice out and so I may go outside to work.

Peace&Love&Rain!

Coconut Coke ;-)

...it's so good...

I just got back from my very last class of my undergraduate career. This is so bittersweet for me because I don't want to leave this place but I'm so glad to be done with the semester of lots of work. I just feel like this semester, this year, these four years all flew by. Reflecting on my years here I have had my ups and my downs but I know that this was the very best place for me. And now that I have started my life here I am going to have to leave, just like that. It is the strangest concept to have lived in a place for four years with about the same people and then all of a sudden have to leave and go back to where I came from. I mean, this is of course pending my graduate school acceptances, but I just wish that I had more time here to live my life. This semester has been so busy and while I enjoyed every minute of it, I am really looking forward to these last two weeks spent hanging out and doing all the crazy things I ever wanted to do but didn't have the time for. I'm going all out this year and I stopped caring what it will cost me. There is only one chance to live the way I have and this time I'm taking everything life has to offer. Any opportunities that come my way, anything I have always wanted to do, I may be crazy, but graduating college is no small feat and I need to earn my degree in craziness as well. Haha so now I'm rambling but I might just be a little drunk... yes, that is correct, I have crossed one thing off my list today and that is for the first and last time in my undergraduate career I have gone to class drunk/drank during class. Hey, you only live once, right? It's something no one ever thought I would do which is why, of course, I have to do it. Because, in reality, who is to say who I am? Only I know the real me, and this is my chance to let myself be the crazy and exciting person I am! Maybe I got the idea from a combination of things, but if it's something crazy, it is on my list and I am so excited! At some point I will post my list up here with what I have done already crossed off, but for now, good luck to all who have finals and papers and everything!! I handed in my first final of the semester this morning and am feeling pretty good about myself even though I still have quite a bit more to go... Also, a congrats to fishy89 who wrote a longer paper than I think I ever have! I'm pretty impressed by that!!

Sorry, not too much on my love life today, except that I'm still attempting to take things slow and really get to know the person that I am interested in. This has proved to be more difficult for me than anything else and I think I am going to add it to my list of goals because it's as good as any. Kudos to my friend who helped me write my paper last night and kudos to my friend who helped by editing it, I probably would never have gotten it done without the two of you! Also shout out to my CLC group who managed to get me tipsy at wing night by giving me beer (which I haven't drank in like three years) and not knowing how much of a light-weight I am... I love those guys and girls so much! CHS keg race tongiht and a whole bunch of drunk nights to come, apparently... I probably wont get too drunk because I want to be able to remember all of my Senior Week as these memories will last forever :-)

In other news, it rained this morning (!! what else is new? haha) but it's actually pretty sunny now. I'm still not sure if our SEARCH BBQ is going to be outside or not but either way it will be fun (and bittersweet)! "Life is crazy, I know baby..."

Peace&Love&Rain!

“How Do I Know When It’s Love?”

"...I Can't Tell You But It Lasts Forever"
It was a pretty clear day out today. And quite sunny. I had to squint.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what makes a relationship work. I’ve had so many questions for my best friends who are in lasting relationships about how they know what love is and how they found the right person. I have been searching for love for so long now, I don’t know if I’d be able to find it if it were staring me in the face. I’ve had my ups and downs and thought of many scenarios and possibilities and daydreamed about it so much it makes my head hurt. I finally got around to asking the first question and finding my first answer on this journey to love.

So as you may have noticed from my other posts, I have been playing around with the idea of courting. This is an idea that was planted in my head freshmen and sophomore year of college that I liked as an “idea”, but failed to implement in my own life. Every time I think about love, I think of my best friends. I have two best friends from high school and they are both in serious relationships. I have a few best friends from college, and two of them are in serious relationships. Now I know I have more friends in serious relationships, but for the purpose of this blog, these friends are my focus. I have always wanted to have conversations with them about what love is and how they knew that they had found it but the opportunities to talk about serious issues when we are all in different states (and some instances countries) is few and far between (even the one friend still at the same school and I never really have the chance to sit and talk about serious stuff). So I began thinking, what is it that I really want in a relationship? What do I want it to look like? I want someone I get along with, someone similar to me, and yet, who challenges me. I want to love him for who he is and in order to do that, I need to know who he is. I want someone I get along with. While bickering can be cute, it can escalate over time to real annoyances and on the outside, it’s not cute if you’re yelling at your boyfriend to get a haircut or crying because you had a disagreement. So I chose two of my best friends’ relationships to look at because they are more similar to what I see as ideal. Not to offend anyone else, because I am sure each relationship fits each individual and so I of course will have to tweak their styles to my own, but this is what I have come up with thus far: The two friends that I have chosen have each been dating their significant other for over a year and are faithful Catholics and so are their partners. This is something that is important to me as I believe it adds a basis on which the relationship can grow. I have never seen either of these friends have a fight with their partner so if they do, it happens without the world knowing. These are my best friends, so I would hope they would feel comfortable coming to me if they need to. This is not to say there weren’t disagreements, only that they don’t go around picking on each other. Another similarity between these two of my friends that is unlike my other friends is that they both entered into relationships using a concept similar to courting. I also feel I need to be more like these friends of mine because if I can’t talk to them about something that’s happening in my relationship, how can I be comfortable with it myself? It is dangerous to settle for less, as I have found very often. My new philosophy is that anything that I do in my relationship has to be something I would be comfortable talking to my best friend about. While I know my best friends wouldn’t judge me or act like they are better than me, but I know that if I want what they have, I have to be comfortable about communicating. I have been walking a thin line lately and need to bring God back into my life to monitor the choices I make. If I see God in my friends, which I should, they will be positive influences on my faith and relationship life. I am not entirely sure if this is making as much sense as it did in my head, but I’m just happy to have gotten it out on paper.

As of today, I sort of felt like I failed. Yesterday I came up with the ideas that would help me get started in a relationship and then I faltered at taking my own advice and ideas and implementing them. Now I am human and I can make mistakes, right now my main goal is to get back up and try again. Nothing can ever get accomplished if I give up and as my dad say’s of our family, “we aren’t quitters”. I will not let myself give up, I have a goal and when I set my mind to something, it will get done. No matter what. Because I am looking for love and nothing less. I will make it through.

Peace&Love&Rain!

The Grass is Always Greener When it Rains...

...it's true. Everything looks greener when it rains. And who doesn't like green?

Well my first post went crazy long and normally I wont be writing quite as much because, let's face it, I have a life. So unless I become inspired again, don't expect something as deep and long as that one.

My problems, they're a gettin rougher... haha but in all seriousness, I need to chill sometimes. It's like I can't just be satisfied with the way my life is and the whole "not being able to make decisions" thing just contributes to everything. Usually in these situations I feel like if I can't choose, maybe neither choice is the right one for me. Either way, I have been weighing the positives and negatives of both choices (yes, I've sort of been able to move away from 3...and those of you who know what I'm talking about already know that). So as I covered yesterday, I need to spend more time getting to know boys before anything can happen with them. I wonder if that should include holding hands. Should it include falling asleep next to a person? Actually, I'm pretty sure it should include falling asleep next to someone because even when there was nothing going on with someone, that always gave me feelings... and I continuously make impulsive decisions when I am tired. Oh dear. This brings me to another point: why is it that I never had trouble sleeping next to someone before like this year? For some reason it has gotten increasingly difficult to share my bed. I sort of really want my bed from home. I miss it. Ehh, I can't be longing for what I can't have though, that defeats the purpose of life. Maybe this is a good thing. It may keep me sleeping alone and sleeping peacefully. I sound like a bad person now, haha I literally mean sharing a bed and that is all. I hope that is obvious. I still think my best friend was right when he said it was a bad idea to share a bed with someone I might have feelings for. He said that almost two years ago and I should have taken his advice back then. But at the same time I thought he was a bit of a hypocrite for saying that and then sharing a bed with me. Not that there were feelings going on at that point really, but it was still dangerous. I wonder if he still believes what he said. I asked him, he does. Okay, time to change my life!

Peace&Love&Rain!

Peace&Love&Rain

Since this is my very first blog on here I figured I should start at the beginning. I've blogged before but it was years ago. I've journaled before, but that was different. I have decided that my random musings may be good fun and so here goes nothing!

You may be inquiring about my use of title. Well rain is just awesome and that has always been my opinion on it. Love is what the theme of my first blog turned out to be, and the central problem of my life! haha... Peace happened because I was in my peacemakers class when I began my brainstorm for today. If you'd like, please bear with me as I procrastinate my way through my last set of finals as an undergrad student.


DRAMA: Girls thrive on it.
This is a claim some of my close guy friends made a few nights ago. Clearly, all girls love drama and we create it in order to drive boys crazy. Here is a reality check boys: we hate drama. Drama drives us crazy and that is all your fault. Because women are so involved and invested in everything going on in their lives, any conflict or overwhelming moment could cause drama. This doesn't mean we want it, because trust me, it causes wayy too much stress. In all seriousness, I think we long for simplicity but cannot focus past the complex. So guys, before you go on complaining about how girls never like the "nice guy", think about your audience. Also, just because someone doesn't like you doesn't mean she doesn't like a nice guy. I am so sick of sticking up for myself. It is as though I need to feel guilty for getting over a "nice guy" who was a jerk to me and now all of a sudden decided he has feelings for me 7 months later. Also, stop pretending you're such a nice guy. You are just as shallow as anyone else and don't deserve me if that's how you want to act.

So lets talk about me. Somehow I always end up falling for these boys who have been hurt. They say guys need to "fix things" but if they knew how many boys I have been with who were hurt by other girls and then come to depend on me, they'd be surprised. I am like the one they come to with all their problems, I make them all better and then I realize they really have nothing to offer me. It has happened on more than one occasion where I have discovered that the only reason I started liking a boy was because I felt bad for him and wanted him to be more confident in himself. These are those "nice guys" who seem to always have something to complain about. I think it is much worse for me to go through all of that helping and being there for him just to realize that he is not right for me and now he's going to think I am leaving him because I don't like him and his confidence goes right back down. Knowing I've hurt a close friend is the saddest thing that could happen. Since then I've tried to find those confident, great personalities that want to have fun and not talk to me about their problems all the time. You know what though? Those boys don't exist. I have searched and searched and the conclusion is that guys and girls alike are insecure. I just need to stop trying to fix him and love him for who he is, whoever he is.

So now the question is, how do I meet a guy and enter into a relationship with him? There are a lot of suggestions that I have gathered from my friends on this subject and I have gained a bit of experience in this area as well. I believe that the ideal way is to meet a guy, become friends with him, and then fall in love. Ideally, this is what would happen, but does it? No. Very rarely do we turn around one day and realize we are in love with our best friend. And when it does happen, it is very rarely returned and we are left with the pieces of a friendship that no longer fit together. The danger in this idea, aside from possibly losing a friend, is that when we are feeling lonely or like we finally want someone in our life, we turn to those friends who are already there for us instead of looking for someone new. As an aside, this reminds me of a FRIENDS episode where Joey sees how great Chandler and Monica's relationship is and has a dream that he is with Monica. He is told that his dream doesn't mean he wants Monica it just means he wants a relationship like theirs. He is told that he innately wants to fall in love with a friend. When he starts hitting on Rachel and Phoebe though, his friends tell him not to hit on one of his current friends, but to make friends with a girl and basically form a relationship. Now this is just a character in a show, but we see how we can struggle with finding the right one. This process of getting to know one another is also a long one and many of us don't have the patience for it.

I've had one experience where I fell for a close guy friend pretty early on in our friendship. We spent a lot of time together, got to know each other and were pretty close, he was my best guy friend at that point and I really thought I was in love. I had another experience where I started hanging out with a guy and we became best friends. I never thought of him as more than a friend until we had been hanging out about five months. At that point I thought I was in love with him. It was perfect and we could talk about anything and had so much in common, we basically spent all our free time together anyway. In both cases I got screwed over. It doesn't matter how, because they are in the past, but I got hurt and it was bad. After that it felt like my heart was breaking, but I've grown stronger and have been a lot more guarded, especially since the second one. I still felt that it would be nice to date a friend since we have so much in common already and have took the time to get to know each other but there is a danger in that. I guess what I'm saying is that we need to find someone to be our friend first as a basis for a relationship, but we can't just find a friend and suddenly like him. What I'm implying here though, seems nearly impossible.

So where does this leave us? This leaves us to begin to form friendships with the people we are interested in. It's not going to happen right away, but we need to have patience and work towards a closeness which will withstand everything. It is so tempting to just find someone we are interested in being with and starting a relationship based on physical attraction. This is a bad idea (and I should know, I am the queen of bad ideas). All it does is leave us feeling vulnerable and sulking in the drama of "waiting for him to call". As my grandma would say, a girl has to play hard to get - she can't make herself too available to men. This is a huge problem though because boys aren't kicking down the door! They are too scared. Yes, I've had my share of relationships and yes, I've been torn between more than one boy at the same time before, but there is no relationship I've been in, save my first relationship, where I've done nothing to get a boy's attention. Then to have his attention and keep his attention is even more difficult.

I've digressed from my main point though. To begin a healthy relationship there must be a time of "courting". These days we refer to it as "talking". "Talking" is problematic though because it is usually accompanied with "hooking up". I'm not saying physical acts are always bad, but it could create a false sense of closeness. Now I feel I need to make it clear that I am not condemning any way in which people choose to go about beginning relationships, I am merely making a suggestion based on my own personal experiences. Hopefully I will be able to take my own advice, but many times it is difficult. Unless you are a boy I was with, you don't know how I am in a relationship and how I tend to rush into things because I crave closeness. I am also easily swayed when I am tired, something I have been trying really hard to work on the past few days since it tends to cause a lot of problems.

So now, the problem is what to do about situations we are already in. What if we have blindly entered into a relationship where we hardly know each other and want to get to know each other but when together all we do is fall back on the physical? It becomes so difficult to form a real friendship from here but we need to make an effort because that is what's going to last. We need a solid basis in friendship because if we can't talk to each other, it really wont work. So I'm going to set some guidelines for myself and try to face my situations the best I can. I can't make promises because I am a creature of habit. I can only try to break my bad habits and live the way I want!

Sending you all much Peace&Love&Rain!
Leave your ideas or suggestions ;-)