Love?

Some days I wonder if I'm ever going to find the right person for me. I've had so many chances that for whatever reason just couldn't work. I also have realized though that what I want isn't necessarily what I need. Maybe I need someone who doesn't want to see me 24/7 and isn't going to ask me to hang out every night. I thought I needed someone nearby to see all the time but I think I need someone to see once in a while. Maybe someone to randomly hang out with after work sometimes. But I also want someone to take me on dates, to actually go somewhere and do something. I want someone who's not afraid to take chances and someone I'm not afraid to take a chance on...but most of all I want to figure out how a relationship can work and be successful. Maybe I need to stop lying to everyone, especially myself. Maybe I need to stop trying to make everyone else happy and just see what makes me happy. But I also want to be able to slow down my feelings and not rush to an advanced stage in my relationship so that I can feel comfortable. I want to learn to date because I don't think I've ever actually had that part of a relationship. I think that's what's so frustrating, because schedules hardly ever allow for that. I sometimes wonder if I even know what I want...and I wonder if I'll know when I find it. Listening to my friend tell everyone that she knew on the first date that her fiance was the man she wanted to marry makes me wonder if I'll ever find that or if I am even capable of feeling that way. Again and again I ask myself what love is and again and again I'm left wondering if I'll ever know. Maybe I'm looking for perfect and perfect isn't out there. But should I settle for less? I'm not sure that's the solution either. It just...complicates things. But then, what do I even have to think about love for right now? Shouldn't I just try and date and see where that leads? Find out along the way what it is like to let go and trust someone? Maybe let myself fall in love? But why haven't I yet? What have I been doing all this time? Why do I feel like I don't want to waste any more time dating if it's not real? But I know I have to date in order to find what I'm looking for, it's just so frustrating. How come I have dated so many people and not found what I'm looking for yet when some of my friends found what they were looking for right away? Is it fair? Did I do something wrong? No, it's because I got exactly what I asked for, it's just that it always comes a little too late...So here I am, afraid to commit, afraid to be single, stuck somewhere in the middle forever. Maybe it will rain tomorrow.

<3 me